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A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big
everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi.
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.'
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one' The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
'How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
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In a small mid-western conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. Liking a 'dry' town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this,' the judge said, 'but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.'
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she's staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the fire fighter said with admiration. "Thanks," said the little girl. The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie the rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have
a siren."
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My Little Brother ......................
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old areyou?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles! , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
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On doctors.............
(A) The number of doctors in the U. S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics:: courtesy of the U. S. Dept of Health & Human Services
(A) the number of gun owners in the U. S. is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million).
(B) the number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
Statistics: courtesy of the FBI. So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.
FACT; NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming
threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
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What Starts with F and Ends with K ...............
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks ! he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and
the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat...... He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here -try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me." So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants, hand's them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine." So he does and says, I can't get into your pants." Then Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
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NUN AT HOOTERS.........
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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 This says it all!!! |
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Christmas With Louise.........
This is an article submitted to a Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise……. As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the **** is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
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This great and well worth the read.
God bless, licensing, permits, & out of control Beauraucracy. This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even better...
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment t (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump! Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. One hand on wheel one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: REGINIAN driving in TORONTO
7. Both hands in air gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
9. One hand on wheel one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL:
12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mittscraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
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This says it all about global warming!
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Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Lethbridge, Alberta and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the Farm Boss, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah,we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says John. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO: Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the Bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya,und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!!.....there's MORE!
PART THREE: Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he hits hard and breaks his spine.
Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... And now we've lost Abe from hengliding.
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I was at the mall the other day, eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son....?"
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True Doctor Stories..............
~ A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
~ At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths, “I instructed.” “Yes, they used to be,” remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle.
~ One day I had to be the bearer of bad news, when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba.
~ I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA.
~ During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.
~ While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... “Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.” --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR.
~ I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, so, how's your breakfast this morning? "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI.
~ And finally . . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.” --won't admit his name.
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Real Tech support calls.........
Computer glitches are sometimes the people using them...!
These Tech Support people seem to have all the fun:
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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No wait a minute..I hadn't inserted it yet..it's still on my desk...
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer". I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah.........thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “ yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?” All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied: “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours.” DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!
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 It's time to take a stand |
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to? The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please read on.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
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Doggy Dictionary:
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..… use with The Sniff. (above)
LOVE: is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere..… but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days
when humour didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun.
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CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659. A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Some interesting Tombstone Captions..........
**Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
**In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
**On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
**In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
**In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna
**In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me For not rising.
**In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
**In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
**A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
**John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
**In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
**Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
**On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.
**In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent until I know which way you went.
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I was at the mall the other day, eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son....?"
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A broke woman decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the woman doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the woman hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
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| The old farmer……
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
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| NOAH'S ARK 2005
In the year 2005, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said,"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build an Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six month to build the Ark before I will start the rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six month later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark. "Noah", he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" Forgive me Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't hear of it. The wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the Ark was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also the trades union say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least yen years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked. You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".................................
"NO," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
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| A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.
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Just in Case Your Kids are Going to Camp This Summer!!!
LETTER FROM SCOUT CAMP…….
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster-, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything.
We are fine.
Love, Chris
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