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This Page is Proudly sponsored by
Professional Electric Ltd
Included with the jokes below are pictures of wild life and scenery around Beautiful Vancouver Island!
Photography by M&W Enterprises. All pictures on this web site are protected by copyright and may not be reproduced in any way without permission.
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 just south of Campbell River |
A woman goes into a Sporting Goods Store to buy a rod and reel for
her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she
just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Store associate is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can
you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.' She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'
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 storm clouds near Mout Washington |
LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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| On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dorm to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued "anybody caught the second time will pay $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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OK, I know we said that we would not get involved in politics…. However I just could not resist this one!
A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00." Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from Canadian voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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 see the purple starfish |
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown Vancouver bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. The man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Vancouver for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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This has to be one of the best blonde jokes I've heard..... This will make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though......" What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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“Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
“Divorce……..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's heart through his wallet.”
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The following
are some scenic photos from all over Vancouver Island.
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 Uclulet Lighthouse |
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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 Long Beach- near Tofino |
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ...
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
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 Port Alberni inlet |
Juan the Smuggler!
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" …………. "Bicycles," Juan says.
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 Qualicum Beach |
Some Thoughts.............
~Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
~I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
~If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
~Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
~Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
~I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
~Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
~If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
~Some days are a total waste of makeup.
~Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
~Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
~Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
~Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
~By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
~Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself............. I've tried!!
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 Crofton Harbour - B.C. |
Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well. A couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat or ugly, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates; you figure out what they want and do it.
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 Ladysmith Harbour - B.C. |
Even more facts of life...
~ Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
~ There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
~ Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
~ Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
~ Drive carefully; it's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
~ A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
~ A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
~ Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
~ The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
~ There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
~ A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
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 One of Duncans' many totem poles |
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of things, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up...AND...because it is an effective, reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed...AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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 View from Sidney - B.C. |
This one is a little sneaky!! Revenge is so sweet!!!! CURTAIN RODS …….
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded to live in the couple's multi- million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..........including the curtain rods.
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